How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the condom got lost in my hair
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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