ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
