When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
