she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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