We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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