Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
