What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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