Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
