he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
