guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
