Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had to cum in my sink.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
