I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
