she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
