Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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