i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
