he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
