Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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