We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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