3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.