Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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