i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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