I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
