His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
