i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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