so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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