Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
