When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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