I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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