Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
