nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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