you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
