So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO