he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
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He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good