he puts the penis in happiness.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom