Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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