i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This house was built for laser tag.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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