just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
