He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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