here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
