Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
