worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
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woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize