There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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