my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
