I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
