So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
