she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
