im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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