Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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