my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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