apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
