At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
