saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
