So drunk its hurt
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
