I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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