Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment