My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n