Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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