Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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