New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
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This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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