I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wear drunk well.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
