this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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