so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
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My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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